Thursday, April 5, 2007

Congratulations Avril, You've Done It!



Kudos, Kiddo. Oh Avril, you've made it! You finally, finally look exactly like a Barbie Doll. This calls for heaps of gratitude, and on behalf of female musicians everywhere I would like to thank you profusely for all that you have done to push the stature and the credibility of all us she-rockers up and forward! Let the big ups commence:
*******
Thank you for further cementing the notion that we must look plasticized perfect to have hit records!
Thank you for perpetuating the popularity of Girl on Girl Hate with your current, and most brilliant single "Girlfriend". How do I love thee? Let me quote the way:
Hey hey, you you
I don't like your girlfriend
No way no way
I think you need a new one

Such articulate lyrics! Here's your finest moment:
She's like so whatever
You can do so much better

Like, amazing! Dylan better watch his ass, that's all I got to, like, say! Oh wait, you will probably be meeting him soon backstage at the next Victoria's Secret Fashion Show when you rawk the runway for their upcoming RockSlut line.
Thank you for the stellar entertainment you provide in spitting at photographers, flipping the bird and hoisting the devil horn salute. You make those gestures seem so fresh, helping us to forget all the millions of musicians who did those, like, gnarly moves before you. Darn that PJ Harvey! She doesn't entertain us in such a thrilling way, guess she's too busy making incredible records and being classy.
Thank you for ditching that silly Les Paul in favour of having the freedom to do a dance routine for your latest video. Guitars are soooooo 2002, and get in the way of carrying the latest fashion accessories, a teacup puppy, or a tattoo poseur boyfriend. I will miss all those rippin' good and "Complicated" (oh,ha ha) solos you used to do, however. Let some other girl inspire the first LadyHendrix, Avril, you have much other important stuff to do!
Finally, thank you in advance for the happy satisfaction I will feel when a year from now, you will be collecting numerous hardware from numerous award shows that will reward and celebrate your obvious gifts to female musicianship. I have begun preparations for a tickertape parade, Girlfriend!

currently listening to: Polly Jean Harvey, To Bring You My Love...gee, I'm like, so whatever!

6 comments:

Invisible said...

Loaded the AK and bringing the UZI for back up...

So fucking glad we have another useless cunt rocker chick.... she says NOTING anymore...

I dont mind the whole wanna be a chick part.. but be one with a backbone bitch!!!

[/rant off/] (until i get annoyed more)

Allan said...

I'm gonna go listen to Patti Smith and pretend I don't know that this Avril person exists...then I'm gonna play with my Nina Hagen Barbie.

Godwhacker said...

Cue Pink's Stupid Girls, or is that Queen's Another One Bites the Dust?

bonjourtristesse said...

hey gang!

Hey Vis! Rant away! I love it when you get all ranty-rant! Yep, about the backbone part, if ya wanna talk the talk , walk the walk...and Avril has made it to the world stage, she can do anything, but she has wasted the opportunities to really shine. And that's the real tragedy here.
Hopefully she will simply register as a mere "blip" in the history of music...

Allan! Nina Hagen Barbie! LOL!! I'm so there! I would love to see what she would do to a Ken doll! She's so amazing...I wonder if her daughter Cosma is musically active...

GW! I gotta say that when you posted Stupid Girls a coupla weeks ago it was a watershed moment and cued me to post this Avril thankyou letter...I think Another One Bites...is a good summation, again, it kills me that these girls are afforded every chance to move things along in great ways but just choose to keep everything same and stagnant!

Anyway, good weekend all! catch ya on da flipside!

Passion of the Weiss said...

Fuck, Avril Lavigne isn't a prophet. Now I'm going to have to sell all of my wrist bands. It's weird the inverse ratio of how the more glammed off pop stars get, the dumber their music turns. The Nelly Furtado rule.

Passion of the Weiss said...

Fuck, Avril Lavigne isn't a prophet. Now I'm going to have to sell all of my wrist bands. It's weird the inverse ratio of how the more glammed off pop stars get, the dumber their music turns. The Nelly Furtado rule.