Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Darth Maul and the Women Who Love Him

Many gear slutz feel Star Wars love. A schematic of the Millennium Falcon can inspire as many a tech boner as a schematic mapping out the inner gizzards of say, a Theremin (an crazy electronic box with oscillators and antennae played by moving hands around to control the volume and pitch, yada yada look it up yada yada it's wicked yada yada).

So therefore it is essential to mention on this blog, the 30th anniversary of Star Wars' first theatrical release on May 25, 1977.

Yeah, yeah, I'm four whole days late on this but cut me some slack, I am after all, a card carrying Gen-X slacker baby who not only contributed to the raised profile of procrastination; but defended it on the basis that it contained the prefix pro, so therefore there had to be something positive about it.

Yep. I'm definitely PRO procrastination. I'll read "The Hobbit" when I get around to it.
Yep. I'm definitely PRO castration. If John Bobbitt hadn't had his mishap, would the straight to video magic that is "Frankenpenis" ever have been made?

Hobbits and Bobbit...Jokin' with Tolkien, it never gets old. Have you seen "The Lord of the Cockrings"?

Actually Star Wars has proven to be pornish in it's own special way. Check out this actual Lucasfilm dialogue:
*Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?
*You're all clear, kid! Now lets blow this thing and get outta here!
*Pull out Wedge, you can't do any more good back there!

Like most sensible people I absolutely love Star Wars, and Empire. Jedi? Good, but not great. Don't get me started on the other three. The one amazing thing about Phantom Menace was Darth Maul. Chicks dig on the Maul. I used to think I was totally alone in my girl hardon for Maul. Wrong. If you see the internet as a big rack of professional looking three piece business suits, you will find that with some time and effort you can rustle around and explore all the pockets only to discover all the badass weirdness that hides deep within 'em.

Finding The Darth Maul Estrogen Brigade 2 (one was not enough apparently) was like discovering a roll of five flavor Lifesavers in the bottom of a jacket pocket with all the pineapple ones removed. Yesssss!

It's all Maul. Girlstyle. They wonder how Maul would sound having an orgasm. I personally think that Maul has a Prince Albert piercing but I don't think I'm ready to share that with their class just yet. They also encourage readers to submit their Darth Maul encounters to the site, and many have, telling stories of meeting Ray Park (the actor who in body played the supervillian, some other dude did the voice) at SciFi nerd conventions. I would only go to these things if there were more seminars and workshops on "Filking", which is SciFi Folk Singing. It is an exciting notion indeed to know that there is at this very moment, some dude out there that looks and sings like a young Donovan but is singing about flux capacitors and shit. Dreamy.

I myself did have a Darth Maul encounter. I will save that story for the next post. Although they are loathe to admit it, everyone enjoys a good cliff hanger. Look at the ending of The Empire Strikes Back. Major cliffer there. So I will save my Maul tale 'till tomorrow. My Maul tale ain't a tall tale, it's little and short, but hey, it's mine.

...to be continued, in a blog not far, far away at all.

Darth Maul, Too Sexy for his Starsystem

currently listening to: Meco, Disco Star Wars Theme


Invisible said...

Hey slut? Would you mind passing me all those pineapple lifesavers? Oh yes my lil cute chica.. THAT is my fave flava. We could totally hang cuz I can help a sista out like that.

Oh, *whispers quietly* .. havent seen but one Star Wars ... *runs like a cheetah*

psssttt... firsties!

SamuraiFrog said...

I haven't seen Lord of the Cockrings, but I have seen Lord of the G-String. Misty Mundae can get me to watch anything.

Allan said...

Great post! Not late, 10 years early for the 50th, you are!
I haven't seen the latest SW's but I HAVE seen people 'filk' - and it ain't pretty at all!

dmeb2? I need to get out less. Or more. Can't decide. Maybe I'll tattoo my entire face and see what happens.
Take good care,
Darth A

AC@44 said...

Not early for me .. I first saw it June 25/77 .. sad that I remember that isn't.

Great post ..

bonjourtristesse said...

Hey Visi! those life savers are yours, doll...fitting as you have been a kind of Life saver for me...big hugs darling! OH sistah, see Empire Strikes Back and see Phantom Menace for Darth Maul...do it!! I wanna full review! thanks for the email and link! :D

SF!! LOL!! Misty Mundae rhymes with Sundae, but something tells me there is no cherry on top anymore!

Hey Allan!You have seen Filk in action????? Lucky, please let me know more deets...is there a drum circle or anything???? please more info!!! Don't tempt the mighty dmeb2 with tattoo action...I may just get jealous!!!You take good care too, love! XXXX

Hey AC! Not sad at all...pretty important if ya ask me...I love the fact that you remember!!! I can remember that I bought a ZIGZAG chocolate bar when I saw it in the theatre...and I feel proud!! Good to see ya, thanks for the ups!

Godwhacker said...

OMG! The Disco Star Wars Theme! Once I went on vacation and all I had to get me up in the morning was an AM radio. I awoke to "Disco Lucy" the mirror-ball version of the I love Lucy theme. I hated it, but still I couldn't get the song out of my head. For hours and hours "disco Lucy, disco Lucy" rang out in my head! Some vacation, I thought I was in hell.