An Open Letter to Those Who Rule Muppet World

I think it's about time The Muppets Empire created a new superstar band. C'mon, Henson puppet people, as much as I adore Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, it's time for y'all to design and execute a more contemporary bunch of music stylin' puppets that are more about the guitar rawk and less about Zoot's saxophone squawk. And, give Animal a break. He and I would both appreciate it if he was sent to the Island of Misfit Toys for an extended vacay. Send Teeth downtown for a more updated grill while yer at it.


In choosing a band to model these new puppets after, look no further than the incredible Swedish outfit The Soundtrack of Our Lives. This group is absolutely the best gift Sweden has given to me, even above and beyond that Ikea lamp that has somehow stayed with me throughout 8 moves of house. The lead singer, Ebbot Lundberg, sort of reminds me of Dr. Teeth, except for the gold tooth...Ebbot doesn't have one, but bass player Kalle certainly does. Check out TSOOL's vid for "Sister Surround" to see for yourself. Make sure you pay attention around the 1:31 mark where Ebbot takes a kick right in the Swedish Meatballs. Ouch.


If I were to hand a shopping list worth of perfect qualities to the deity on high workin' it out on music's Mount Olympus and were to say "Make it So...once you are finished destroying Britney", the band eventually delivered to my doorstep would be, without a doubt, The Soundtrack of Our Lives.

Sheer perfection of song and of style. So what if the one guitarist is cribbin' from Townshend right down to the windmill? So what if the lead singer is wearing a crazy Sherwani and looking slightly Brian Wilson "The Stay in Bed Years"? At least he knows that slimming black hides a multitude of sins. So what if the drummer is pulling trix with stix bigtime so as to draw attention away from his comb-over? These are the very things that make this band Muppet Worthy. Look at the gear! An SG, a Ricky and a Firebird V? Get outta town! White amps? It doesn't get much better than this, folks. Such energy, such animation, with loads of personality. And fuckin' top haircuts. The bass player is the first dude who can play his axe propped up at nipple height and still look cool. Each band member has got his own thang goin on. Sweden definitely has got it goin' on too. Obviously.

So please, rulers of the domain known as Muppetworld, please use TSOOL as your prototype for your next puppet music group.

The Swedish Chef would be down with his fellow countrymen joining the ranks.


"TSOOL? Ja, ja! Bork! Bork! Bork!"


currently listening to: TSOOL, A Present from the Past. Obviously.

Gallo(n) of Cool

I love Vincent Gallo. I love Buffalo 66. I love The Brown Bunny...yeah, that was me. The one person is the world who absolutely loved it. Other than Vincent himself. Vincent loves Vincent. In fact, if Vincent could go down on himself, he would never feel the need to write any female characters into his flicks. They could be just as he wants them...ALL ABOUT HIM. Which is okay. I'm on permanent standby with this guy and follow his career with a mixture of awe, envy, fascination, and that good kind of disgust where you pretend to be offended but secretly you are wickedly thrilled.

Vincent has a studio. The studio is called THE UNIVERSITY FOR THE DEVELOPMENT AND THEORY OF MAGNETIC TAPE RECORDED MUSIC STUDIOS. If there is one thing I can't stand is a vague title; the implied meaning of which is shrouded in a cloud of complete mystery. All joking aside, it becomes pretty obvious pretty quick to any potential Gallo-vers that the man's artistic profile illustrates a gorgeous balance between a place of austere, clinical, sterile educational film-like manufacture with a place of warm, analogue-based, get your hands dirty, gold halo-glow and meter in the bright red type of creation. Check out his music related website here, and make sure you click on his studio link. It provides an amazing visual tour highlighting the gear and studio sundry of chez/studio Gallo. Brother likes the Rickys. And his gear manuals and reference material are meticulously organized.

Another reason why Gallo ranks super high with me is his collaboration with guitar genius and enigma that is John Frusciante. I would say he is with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but I would prefer to phrase it thusly, The Red Hot Chili Peppers are with him. I like the Peppers okay, but I love Frusciante's guitar work. His solo work is stunning and inspiring. There is something so "Grade Nine" about the Peppers, like if you polled a thousand Grade Nines, 985 would confirm the Chilis as their favorite band. My guess is that Flea and the boys tickle that age of hormonal mix with just the right feather.

So check out the Frusciante/Gallo fuse for "Going Inside". Check it while you can, Gallo is notorious for finding and pulling stuff he didn't have a hand in putting up.
What a control freak(this has at times been his very strength)!

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go "Span some time".


currently listening to: Shirley Bassey, The Remix Album